R W a t M o D
by JeanneAndHerAlters
Summary: Revised and edited version. General ShinRa insanity! The Turks run amok. Cadets angst in the corner. SOLDIERs bounce off the walls. Rated T for language, possible violence, and the usual.
1. Chocobos and Strawberries

**Me: This is indeed the Reno's Wonderfullnes and the Muffins of Doom. Revision is underway and hopefully my old readers can spot the differences. As for the second chapter, I am hoping to expand upon those short little specials. If you think this is a bad idea tell me ya?**

**Reno: You sure are excited.**

**Me: Darn right I am! Better grammar might get more readers yo.**

**Reno: Just do the damn thing.**

**Me: The fact that I need a disclaimer says it all!**

Chocobos and Strawberries

Reno muttered profanities under his breath as he waited for his cab to arrive. The gash in his arm was gushing his precious blood at an amazing rate. "At this rate I'll faint from blood loss and die! Gay little chocobos, who knew they could be so violent," the red head decided he was never going near the evil birds again. Reno hadn't realized the talons were sharp till he nearly got skinned with them. Still muttering nonsense, Reno noticed his cab approaching.

After telling the driver where he wanted to go, without so much as looking at the person, he continued his long-winded rant against chocobos. "That language gets you nowhere Reno. It only makes Tseng pissed," Elena was sitting in the front seat driving. _Come to think of it the scenery is nothing like the way to the hospital_, Reno mused.

"What does Mr. Tseng want Ms. Elena?" Reno inquired. Unfortunately for the red head he had to refer to the Turks with respectful titles now that he was kicked out. Rufus was not a forgiving man if you blew up his office with some of Scarlet's bombs. How was Reno supposed to know Rufus wouldn't appreciate his filing cabinets being blown up?

"You'll see," Elena turned the car sharply. Reno yelped, suddenly reminded of WHO was driving the car. Looking for something to staunch the blood flow with Reno leaned into the front seat. Just as he was about to open the glove compartment, Elena slammed on the brakes again. With another 'manly' yelp Reno flew back first into the front seat, smacking into the radio. "Same as always aren't you?" Grumbling Reno scrambled into the backseat and took the offered bandages. A SOLDIER nodded them through when they reached the ShinRa building. He wobbled out the car, glaring at Elena who smiled innocently.

They took the elevator to where the Turks' offices lay, and conveniently so did the General's and his Lieutenant's. The General was perched on a poofy chair when the duo walked in. "What happened Reno? Get scared by the big bad lady in the front seat?" Zack asked as he walked in, two cups of coffee clutched in his hands. "You're white as a sheet!"

"Screw you," Reno muttered. Sephiroth was having a hard time holding in his laughter. Zack on the other hand held no qualms about laughing his ass off, and was doing it. Elena took him the long way around the floor, past all the executives' offices. It was obvious the sadistic blonde Turk was enjoying the sound of some of ShinRa's leaders laughing at the Turk.

They arrived at Tseng's door and were admitted immediately. "Holy hell what happened to you?!" Tseng stared at the sight of the blood spattered and pale Reno. The red head muttered something under his breath. "What was that?" Tseng smirked.

"Itwasachocobo," Reno said really fast. This was not boding well for him or his now small reputation. He could practically feel it shrinking when he walked through the halls earlier.

"Repeat that civilian!" Tseng commanded ignoring Elena. She was shaking with contained laughter.

"It was a chocobo _sir_" Reno said.

"A Turk mauled by a chocobo. That's a new one on me. Elena you know what to do," Tseng snapped. Elena stepped in front of Reno holding something. He blinked repeatedly trying to clear his eyes of the after effect of the bright light. "Make sure I get copies Elena! Don't forget the captions," Tseng dismissed her and the contraption of doom. Also known as the camera.

"What the hell was that for," Reno hissed, watching the little black dots follow him wherever he looked. Those things always ticked him off.

"Standard Turk re-initiation Reno," Tseng said, waving him out of his office. Reno jumped for joy, momentarily forgetting his arm and the black dots of doom as he called them.

"Do I get my office back?"

"Yes now GO AWAY before I change my mind about this and tell Rufus to fire you again," Tseng snapped. Reno ran out, twirling around. Sephiroth looked up from his donut when Reno danced in. Zack paled when he realized what Tseng had done. Sephiroth was being a little slow though.

"Seph please tell me this is not happening," Zack moaned.

"Oh but it is Zack! It is," Reno skipped joyfully towards his office. "See you guys tomorrow, I have paperwork to do!"

"What was that about?" Sephiroth inquired. Zack blinked and looked at his friend and boss. Sephiroth had already returned to his strawberry filled donut with strawberry icing and sprinkles. Without a second thought Zack ran from the room.

**Me: I never realized till I had to edit this chapter how utterly unfunny it was. Oh woe is me to be opening this which something so not funny. Oh well. I'm happy that for the most part it's grammatically correct!**

**Reno: Weirdo.**

**Me: And…hey wait a second! That's mean Reno. Anywho, please review!**


	2. Elena's Nerves

**Me: Rewritten drabble**

**Me: Rewritten drabble. Made longer! Hope y'all like it1**

**Reno: I still say you are too happy about this.**

**Me: Yep and I am loving my cousin for letting me borrow her laptop to edit it and all that jazz.**

**Reno-sweatdrops-**

**Me: The fact that I need a disclaimer says it all.**

Elena's Nerves

Reno waltzed by Sephiroth's office, and stopped. Zack was in there bouncing off the walls as usual. That wasn't what made him pause though. The fact that Sephiroth was twitching was what got the red headed Turk.

"Zackary get out of my office," the silver haired General of sexiness commanded, a scowl present on his face.

"But Seph!" Zack whined. The general continued to glare at his Liuetenent. Zack grinned and immediately restarted whatever it is he had been doing.

"ZACK!" the office door flew open as Zack tumbled out, Masamune nearly decapitating him in the process. "Stay out." Sephiroth growled. Reno stared at the sword that was stuck in the wall.

"Hey Reno!" Zack waved a hand in the Turk's face as he spoke.

"What was that song?" Reno demanded. Another blinding smile later, and Reno knew the song to end all songs.

**Elena's Office**

"'Laney!" Reno bounced into the spotless office.

"Yes Reno?" Elena asked, glaring at him from her paperwork-covered desk.

"I know something that gets on everybody's nerves!" Reno practically squealed.

"Really? What"

"I know something that gets on everybodies' nerves, everybodies' nerves, everybodies nerves! And this is how it goes! I know something that gets on everybodies' nerves, everybodies' nerves, everybodies nerves!" the Turk sang. He ducked under the thick manilla folder Elena chunked at him. He continued singing, and probably wouldn't have stoped if Elena hadn't threw a heel at him.

Roller-skating down the hallway Reno enjoyed the panicked look ShinRa employees' were shooting him. Reno really couldn't roller-skate and the whole building knew it.

Me: Still short, but longer than it was originally.

**Reno:-blinks-**

**Me: Okay! ANYWAY! Please review!**


	3. Oreo Lover

**Me: The next extended drabble! Oh boy am I excited! Is anyone excited with me? Probably not be oh well.**

**Disclaimer: The fact that I NEED a disclaimer should say it all.**

Oreo Lovers

"Zack!" Reno shouted as he walked down the hall, gaining the spiky haired Lieutenant's attention.

"Yes Reno?" the SOLDIER inquired wondering just what kind of trouble his red headed companion in mischief was going to drag him into to.

"Have you seen the donuts for the Turk Lounge? Tseng bought them and now they're blaming me!" Reno exclaimed, pouting.

"Who all have you asked?"

"Dragon Lady, Donut man, Lard Lover, Genetic Freak, and the Blond** (1)**," Reno counted the majority of the company's big wigs off on his fingers.

"What about Sephiroth?" Zack silently prayed to all that was holy the donuts in question weren't a certain type. The type that was banned from certain areas Sephiroth frequented.

"Why would he want them? 'Sides he'll kill me if I go into his office after last time," Reno muttered. Zack snorted at the memory and took a moment to enjoy the memory.

**Flashback!**

"_So Seph I was telling Monica that her butt did not look big in the dress and can you believe she slapped me? Who would have though she _wanted _her butt to look big? Seriously!" Zack waved his hands excitedly and nearly toppled over when Sephiroth stopped short, staring at something in his office. " 'Ey General Man what is it?" Zack jumped up and down and managed to get a look at the office._

"_Chocobos…" Sephiroth stared in horror at the room. His precious black leather chair was now yellow and shaped like the wretched bird the innocent little grunt, Zack drug around every, resembled. Everything that could possible be Chocoboized had been. "Who could ha-" red hair. On the horrid seat. "Reno."_

**End Flashback.**

Needless to say Rufus had kept a careful eye on his wallet and credit cards after that little excursion. No one wanted a very angry Sephiroth trying to kill an insane Turk.

"I'll go with you!" Zack announced.

"Seriously?" Reno looked a little too relieved, probably from the thoughts that Sephiroth was less likely to kill him with Zack around. Zack nodded and led the way. Just when they were about to arrive Rufus ran past. He was followed closely by Tseng, Scarlet, Heidegger, Hojo, Rude, Palmer, and Elena.

"What's up!" Zack yelled after them.

"Sephiroth has gone nuts! He's claiming everything is a evil mutant cookie out to eat him, then he burns it," Rufus shouted over his shoulder while nearly colliding with one of the random employees no one paid any attention to. This poor man's name was Bob so he was even less special.

"Cool!" Reno clapped excitedly till Sephiroth rounded the corner.

"Halt evil oreos! You shall not eat me!" Sephiroth launched a fire spell at Zack who managed to side step it. Bob the random employee wasn't so lucky.

"Reno what kind of donuts were they?" Zack asked, running down the hall with a red head right behind him.

"Umm… I think they were filled with strawberry and whip cream, covered in strawberry icing and strawberry sprinkles," Reno ducked under another fireball. "Why?"

"Sephiroth goes crazy when he has strawberries," Zack explained using Harold the other random employee as a shield. Reno was hiding behind Rob.

"Halt mutant oreo!" Sephiroth yelled as they took off running again. '_Today is going to be a long day'_ Zack thought as a fireball blew up the water cooler.

**(1)** _Dragon Lady is Scarlet. Donut Man is Heidegger. Lard Lover is Palmer. The Blond is Rufus. Genetic Freak is Hojo._

**Me: Well it didn't come out like I planned but I don't think I liked that one to begin with.**

**Reno: Of course you didn't.**

**Me: I spy sarcasm you whip cream lover. Anyway if you want to review go ahead and click the little button down there I don't mind. Or if you want to PM me for some weird reason your also welcome to do that.**


	4. Doom From a Button

**Me: Well Shagi glad you liked the new scene I added to the last chapter. It was a last moment decision. I've decided to shoot my muse, or at least fire Reno from the job. In the meantime I hired a disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: The fact that I'm here means it all.**

Doom from a Button

_Reno quickly slid the thing in his hands into the cage. The last occupant found itself a resident of the sewers._

"_Reno are you sure this is a good idea?" Rude asked._

"_Are you doubting me o' tall buddy of mine?" Reno inquired, locking the cage exactly how he found it._

"_Yes, yes I am."_

"_You've been talking to Cissnei to much buddy. The only reason she doubts me is cause I'm good looking' all the good looking' guys just have to be psycho or dead in her head. That's why Tseng and Rufus sent her to the Icicle Inn," Reno mused, leading Rude out. The bald man shook his head and Reno's speculations. His partner just couldn't understand the fact a girl didn't like him for once._

"_Whatever you say Reno," Rude said, checking to make sure the coast was clear._

"_Darn right!" Reno laughed, gesturing for Rude to follow him into the vents._

"I swear I didn't do it! Why won't you believe me?" Reno pleaded his case. Rufus rubbed his forehead, he was already feeling the effects of dealing with the inane red head.

"Reno I'd have to be a fool to believe you," Rufus snapped, wondering where some aspirin was. Perhaps Tseng would give him some later. "Now where is Corporal Cuddle Puppy?" The blond was itching to press the 'Button of Inevitable Doom' and the panicking red head was the perfect target for his frustrations.

"I-I don't know sir! I think I saw him with Hojo!" Reno darted towards the door just as Rufus hit the Button of Inevitable Doom. Reno yelped and tumbled in. Rufus cackled till he noticed the Turk had caught the edge and scrambled out. Reno dashed out the room.

"Scarlet please send Hojo in. It's important," Rufus clicked off the intercom. _Damn Turks._

_**Meanwhile…**_

"He pushed the big read button on me!" Reno exclaimed, grinning like a monkey. "I wonder how long it'll take before Hojo and Rufus to realize you switched Rufus's cat with his latest test subject. _Before _he started the tests." Rude chuckled.

Angry voices erupted from Rufus's office and the duo looked at the door before running off. Reeve sighed as yet another cup of coffee was spilled on him.

**I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter! Sorry it took so long to get up, and I hope the story name change didn't confuse anyone. Reno's Wonderfullness and the Muffins of Doom is just to long.**


	5. Counting to Ten

**Me: Is anyone excited about the new revised chapter? I am! Yay!**

**Reno: You are a freak yo…**

**Me: Whatever. Disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: The fact that a disclaimer is needed says it all.**

Counting to Ten

"_Oh good golly gosh!" Reno collapsed onto the chair in the lounge. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow in question, wondering just why the redhead said something so ridiculous. "I sure am bored!"_

"_Reno are you on something?" Zack asked, staring suspiciously at the possibly (and most likely) insane Turk. The redhead in question popped up suddenly._

"_I know! Let's play a super special awesome game!" Reno cheered, bouncing in his seat and clapping his hands like Cloud after he won a month worth of bananas._

"_What game do you have in mind?" the silver haired General inquired, now equally suspicious at their usually somewhat intelligent friend's remarks. Somewhat intelligent was of course an overstatement but what did that matter?_

"_The game we always play…"  
"You mean?" Zack stared in horror, as did his superior. Though a brilliant idea hit Sephiroth at that exact moment._

"_Of course we'll play Reno but you get to be it," Zack's horrified gaze turned to his boss. Reno always won when he was it. Always._

**Current time**

"One! Two! Three! Forty! Five hundred! Sixty-nine! Seventy-three! Eight thousand! Nine! Ten! Ready or not here I come!" Reno's voice could probably be heard throughout the entire building though that was probably the purpose of it. Sephiroth bent over in silent laughter at the redhead's stupidity. "Zack? Sephiroth? Come out! This ain't cool!" Normally the redhead found this game extremely fun but the two SOLDIERs where cheating somehow.

"Think we did good Zack?" the minied Sephiroth asked, walking under a leather chair in the Turk Leader's office.

"Yeah! I just hope he isn't near us when the mini wears off," the black haired Lieutenant replied, sitting next to Sephiroth. The silver haired god snorted at the thought.

"It will be _hours_ till that happens! By then Reno will have given up," he replied, getting quite comfy.

**Five hours later…**

"I'm bored," Zack whined, poking his superior repeatedly. "Entertain me!"

"What am I suppose to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?" Sephiroth snapped, glaring at the porcupine-haired man. When Zack's grin widened the General's eye twitched. That was probably the wrong thing to suggest.

**Five hours later…**

Tseng walked into his office after a long mission, when suddenly one of his leather chairs suddenly went flying. "SEPHIROTH! ZACK! What are you doing in my office?" Tseng yelled, recovering from the girlish shriek that he'd let out when the chair nearly smacked him in the head.

The Turk's office door flew open and a black and red blur sped in, slamming into Sephiroth. "Tag you're it!" Reno shrieked as he ran out again, leaving two stunned men and an angry General in a hula skirt.

"Thanks Tseng, now I have to learn to count to ten," Sephiroth growled, stomping out.

**Me: This wasn't beta-ed by the awesome and ever handy Aeriths-Rain but I hope there aren't to many problems.**

**Reno: Dear gawd…**

**NOTAGE!**

**If anyone can tell me what the Disney movie reference is, and what movie it you get a crate of soul consuming muffins and a Sephiroth chibi in a hula skirt!**

**Me: Please review!**


	6. Acronym

**Me: Sorry for the prolonged absence people but I'm back with another edit!**

**Reno: Your edits suck**

**Me: Shuddup Turkey!**

**Disclaimer: Jeanne owns nothing… if she did I wouldn't be here.**

Once upon a time, there was a door. This door lead to a very magical place full of wonder and splendor. To the janitors. In this 'place of magic' were two people. Two very odd people who wanted nothing more than to kill the other.

In this closet lurked Elena and the second in command of the Turks, Reno.

"What's our club name Reno?"

"Shit…" the red head muttered, cursing violently at his video game.

"Reno," the blonde's voice drew the possibly psychotic Turk out of his game.

"Slick Haired Incorporation of Turks!" Reno shouted, waving his hand about like a fool. Unfortunately they were in a closet and this nearly made a shelf collapse on him. "So what's our first order of business 'Lena?"

The blonde tapped her chin in thought. "Codenames!" Elena squealed, waggling her elbows in a mock chicken dance. Of course Reno couldn't see her so he didn't know what she was doing. "I am Lord Bunny!"

"Eh? Lord Bunny? What the hell Laney?" Reno blinked, once again drawn away from his precious game.

"They'll be looking for someone who is lordly and girly all at once!" Elena grinned, clapping her hands. Of course this thought was far from sheer genius.

"So they'll be looking for you?" Reno inquired, raising an eyebrow. Elena growled, ready to shoot the red head. "Can't we get some light in here _Lord Bunny_," the red head wiggled slightly. An odd sound accompanied the wiggling.

'_What in the name of Jenova's unholy lover is he sitting on?!'_ Elena thought grumpily, her rear aching from her perch. A simple metal bucket and not half as interesting as the mop was sounding right about now. "No! It'd be obvious that it was our meeting place then!"

"So? Who is going to care? Tseng?" Reno cursed again, mashing a button on his poor game system.

"Doesn't matter!" Elena screeched, chunking a box of soap at where she thought Reno was. When the thump wasn't accompanied by a groan of pain, the blonde deflated. "What's your codename going to be?"

"Roller Disco King," she stared at the darkness, hearing him cheer excitedly as he accomplished something. Roller Disco King? Only Reno… "Meeting over!" Reno pushed the closet door open, revealing a beanbag chair.

"WHY YOU SLIMY MOTHER-" Elena was cut off by her boss.

"Lord Bunny I need poptarts," Tseng said, staring at the Turk. Elena's eyes widened, staring at her boss. Regaining her thoughts somehow she scrambled away on a quest for poptarts.

"Why aren't you in S.H.I.T Rude?" Rufus asked, sneaking one of the bald man's many chocolate cherries.

"They said I didn't have cool enough hair," Rude muttered, popping a chocolate in his mouth.

**Me: Sorry I've been gone for so long! I won't give excuses if you don't already know why I've been gone!**

**Reno: So you gave excuses…**

**Me: Shuddup!! Please review?**


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